The End of The World Awards

By Mike Ellis

(This article is completely false)

             So bad news everyone.  By Early 2012 everyone on Earth will be dead.  Sorry.  Turns out the moon’s orbit went all cock-eyed and it’s heading straight for us.  Why, you ask?  Recent research shows that the American flag planted by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on July 20th 1969 has thrown off the moons rotation around the Earth, causing it to plummet towards us.  NASA administrators were interviewed last Tuesday, “Yeah we really didn’t see that coming… Our bad.”

Other studies are predicting our economy will collapse as everyone starts to quit their jobs and spend their life savings on frivolous consumer goods.  They predict a rise in trampoline and Segway sales while insurance and Minivans will see a steady decrease.  “People would rather travel by Segway than Minivan when they know the world is going to end,” said a researcher named Floyd.

            Don’t be too alarmed; first of all we have a whole year left! And second of all there’s good news! The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to hold the final Academy Awards next fall.  But it won’t be any ordinary Academy Awards, none of this Best Picture of the year nonsense.  No, this time it will be different, those Oscar statuettes (Now made of solid 24-carat gold because, hey why not?) will only be given out to the most prestigious and awe-inspiring films OF ALL TIME.  That’s right, Best Picture of All Time, Best Actor Ever in a Leading Role, Best Director of All Time.  You get the idea.  Preparations are already being made and a host is being decided on as we speak, top candidates at this point are Conan O’Brien, Jack Nicholson and George Bush.  I personally would like to see all three, and maybe a musical number by Samuel L. Jackson and R. Kelly, but that’s beside the point.

            So who will the Academy choose?  What in essence, is the best film of all time?  Who gave the best performance?  Is it even possible to decide?  Someone once said, “In order for the Best Performance Oscar to be given out, all the actors need to have played the same role, because you can’t compare apples to oranges.”  But someone also once said “Screw that noise, I like apples,” and the debate rages on.

            Now usually I don’t get to put too much of my own opinions into my articles, but in light of the news of the moon my editor ran out of the office mumbling something about the Ancient Mayans or Roland Emmerich or something so I’m going to go ahead and write what I want.  I will now list my nominations and winners for the 2011 Definitive Academy Awards.  I realize I will take quite a bashing for taking it upon myself to choose the best films, actors and directors of all time but...  Well, I’m going to do it anyway.

And we’re off!

Best Picture of All Time

-West Side Story
-Forrest Gump
-Jaws
-Magnolia
-American Beauty
-The Shawshank Redemption
-Saving Private Ryan

And the winner is: Magnolia

Best Actor Ever in a Leading Role

-Marlon Brando On The Waterfront
-Paul Newman Cool Hand Luke
-Gene Wilder Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (yeah seriously)
-Dustin Hoffman The Graduate
-Jack Nicholson One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
-Tom Hanks Forrest Gump
-Kevin Spacey American Beauty
-Daniel Day Lewis There Will Be Blood

And the winner is: Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump

Best Actress Ever in a Leading Role

-Elizabeth Taylor Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
-Gwyneth Paltrow Shakespeare in Love
-Susan Sarandon Thelma and Louise
-Vivien Leigh Gone With the Wind
-Kathy Bates Misery
-Meryl Streep Sophie’s Choice
-Diane Keaton Annie Hall
-Audrey Hepburn Roman Holiday

And the winner is: Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind

Best Director of all Time

-Stanley Kubrik The Shining
-Paul Thomas Anderson Magnolia
-Mike Nichols The Graduate
-Francis Ford Coppola The Godfather
-Sam Mendes American Beauty
-Roman Polanski Chinatown
-Jonathan Demme Silence of the Lambs
-Robert Wise and Jerome Robbins West Side Story
-Quentin Tarantino Reservoir Dogs
-Billy Wilder Some Like It Hot
-Steven Spielberg Saving Private Ryan
-Alfred Hitchcock Psycho
-Coen Brothers Fargo

And the winner is: Paul Thomas Anderson for Magnolia


And a category of my own invention:

Best Pixar Feature of All Time

-Toy Story
-A Bugs Life
-Toy Story 2
-Monsters, Inc.
-Finding Nemo
-The Incredibles
-Cars
-Ratatouille
-WALL-E
-Up

And the winner is: The Incredibles


So there you have it! My picks for the final and Definitive Academy Awards.  Let’s remember these are my personal picks so don’t get too upset if I skipped over your favorite.  I do encourage you to submit your own picks, who knows, you could be right!  Email us (info@raindance.co.uk) and let us know what you think, but if you’re emailing just to bash me for leaving out Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight please be gentle.  Now go out and enjoy what little time we have left, see you all in hell!

About The Author

Mike Ellis Mike Ellis is a Cinema and Photography major at Ithaca College in upstate New York and is interning at Raindance while he studies in London.

He enjoys many things like film, music, old school Nintendo games, driving barefoot and watching old episodes of Full House.

He looks forward to entering the Raindance Film Festival one day and then reminiscing about how he used to intern there.

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